How a workshop draft should look depends on what phase it's in. For most papers it would be best to start out with an outline, so that the thesis is clearly stated and the information/commentary is well-structured and well-organized. Then when the writer has the outline critiqued (e.g. what information is useless or redundant) then the skeleton can be turned into a draft that looks roughly like the final product. The purpose of a draft is for other people, such as the writer's peers, to suggest what needs to be done for the final paper to be well-written. Its purpose is also for the writer to see what each paragraph should include so that it's not a big, jumbled mess.
The feedback I would give on Essay R would be one word: rewrite. The writer needs to go back to the "skeleton" phase and have the ideas organized and the thesis written on the side so that it's ever present. Then when the writer turns the skeleton into a draft, there (hopefully) will be a better transition between ideas and an actual argument.
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